TRASHY SCARY:
Trashy horror at it's best:

FRIDAY THE 13TH Before there was Jason there was his mother, a grudge baring woman who seeks revenge on teenage campers at Crystal Lake for the death of her son. And boy is she pissed! A true classic in the horror genre bringing to life a great urban myth. FRIDAY THE 13TH (part 2) As it turns out Jason didn't die after all and now, hiding his ugly face with a bag over his head (not a hockey mask), he continues his mothers revenge killing spree. Just think if he had of emerged from the water sooner they could have avoided this whole silly misunderstanding altogether. As far as schlock horrors goes this one has it all: sex, booze, tits and lots of blood splatter. FRIDAY THE 13TH (part 3) Jason finally gets the famous hockey mask in this one. It's pretty much the same old same old from here on in. Strictly for fans. HALLOWEEN 3 Mike Myers has a break in this strange installation to the Halloween films in this obvious attempt to cash in on the franchise. As a result, the film suffered and no one went to see it. It’s not a slasher film but instead a bizarre tale about a Halloween mask that kills people when they watch a special television broadcast. Worth a look if you can come to terms with the fact that Myers doesn’t kill anyone. HELLRAISER OK let me see if I can get this right... A guy buys a demonic cube that opens the gate to hell, and he releases some really nasty guys called Cynobites (led by the infamous Pinhead.). The guy is killed (sorta) but then he comes back with no skin. In order to get his skin back, he has to get his brother's wife to help him lure men for him to kill. Then, the woman's daughter-in-law gets involved and tries to stop him. Not a great film, but a classic none the less and some of the most imaginative death scenes ever used in horror films. HELLRAISER 2: HELLBOUND Here we go again... A girl who is excellent at puzzles releases the Cynobites from the first film. The heroine from the first film is tossed into hell with the girl. Then a mad doctor and the heroines' bitch of a step-mother try to get the power of hell on their side. Once again, there are people that have no skin. Ewwww!

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE I avoided this movie for years because I thought it was disturbing. As it turned out the only thing disturbing about it was its dodgy production values and bad acting. Still one can’t deny this film its rightful place on the Horror Film Hall of Fame. THE BLOB (1958) This cult classic has Steve McQueen fighting a huge ball of slim from outta space that feeds off humans by engulfing and dissolving them. The effects are very... well 1958 but that's all part of the fun. It's a bit slow but you just got to love that theme song! THE FLY After you recover from the Geena Davis' 80s hair-do this is actually a pretty good film. A remake of an old horror classic ("help me! help me!") starring Jeff Goldblum as a scientist who has made a teleportation device. When he decides to experiment on himself a house-fly gets into the machine with him and he slowly turns into a fly. This film has a huge gross factor, especially when all his body parts begin to fall off! Ewwwww!! THE HOUSEBOAT OF HORROR (80's) Yet another film in Australia's long line of appalling efforts in the horror genre. The only thing that saves this from the "Mr. Accident"-league of bad is the fact that it's hilarious. Featuring a forgettable cast of C to Z list actors, it's about a band on a houseboating trip to record their latest music video. One by one, they get killed by Freddy Kruger's long, lost Australian twin. He gets killed in the final showdown, or does he? X - THE MAN WITH X-RAY EYES (1963) This late night horror classic has always stuck in my mind. A scientist who, after experimenting with eye drops on monkeys, develops a serum that enables people to have X-ray vision. His funding is cut, so he has to test the final product on himself, to great success. In an altercation, he accidentally kills a co-worker, and finds himself on the run, hiding out with a carnival where he is part of the sideshow. He then ends up in Las Vegas, and, as he constantly reapplies the drops, the X-ray vision gets completely out of hand.

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FUNNY SCARY:
Some of the best comedies based around the horror genre:

BLOODBATH AT THE HOUSE OF DEATH (1989) Long before the Scary Movie franchises, horror spoofs were already in the making. This film is completely trashy and it knows it. Starring Vincent Price, Kenny Everett, and Pamela Stephenson, the movie is about a group of scientists who are invited to investigate 'the ghostly goings-on' at a mysterious mansion. I can never forget the overbearing mother with a curtain-box headpiece, who suffers a ghastly revenge by means of a can-opener. Delightful!!! BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (the movie) WARNING: This film will result in you singing “How funky is your chicken, how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose, our goose is totally loose” for at least 2 weeks after. I think that pretty much explains it. CREEP SHOW 2 A collection of short spooky stories, my favourite being the one where a bunch of teenagers go out on a raft and get eaten by a big garbage bag. CRITTERS Kinda like GHOULIES but hairier. ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK Horror hostess extraordinaire, Elvira quits her job with her eyes set on Vegas and heads to collect on her late Aunts inheritance. She arrives only to find the most moral town in all of America but with a trunk load of old horror films, she saves the town from a life of eternal moral bliss. A huge favourite of mine, you can’t deny this sassy, sharped tongued horror hostess is a laugh a minute. ELVIRA’S HAUNTED HILLS Years after the original, Elvira went “indie” and the result was this classic spoof set in Romania. Based on all the old Vincent Price-esque horror films of the 30s and 40s, this much unnoticed flick is well worth a look. A must for Elvira fans. FRIGHT NIGHT Always a trashy favourite of mine, this film uses the right amount of horror and comedy to create a vampire classic. William Ragsdale discovers his neighbour is a Vampire and, unfortunately for him, the Vampire knows. He enlists the aide of an old time horror film actor (Roddy McDowell in a remarkably funny role) to do battle with the beast. The film refuses to take itself too seriously, but it has it's scary moments.

FRIGHT NIGHT 2 Another tongue-in-cheek monster movie like no other. Julie Carmen plays a sexy female vampiress who stalks the original hero William Ragsdale to seek vengeance on her brother's death. 'Fearless vampire killer' Roddy McDowell returns to save the day and the fun begins. GHOULIES Kinda like GREMLINS but more sinister. These things will come out of the toilet and bite you on the bum. GREMLINS A cute, little, squishy, cuddly pet that turns evil when you feed it after midnight (American time). I want one! HAMMER FILMS - All of them... A must if you like your vampires to be lesbian. LEPRICHAUN Jennifer Aniston before “The Rachael” and the Zone diet. Hilarious! LOST BOYS A cool teenage vampire comedy that your older sister never stopped watching. SCARY MOVIE 3 What would be scarier? The tape out of THE RING or the Pamela Anderson’s sex video? Hmmm, I think we all know the answer to that one… Never liked the first two but fortunately they gave this one to director of FLYING HIGH, David Zucker, a much better creator of spoof comedy. THE GOONIES “It’s good enough for me it’s Good enough For me It’s good enough…”

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NOT SCARY:
Some of the worst horror movies:

BLAIR WITCH 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS The sequel to the popular indie film went 'Hollywood', alienating itself from its core audience. Probably a good thing because anyone who has bothered to watch this stupid film has been sadly disappointed. A group of teenagers go on a tour in the woods where the original film was shot, end up having an orgy, and kill each other. CUT Molly Ringwood returns! And I bet she'd wished she hadn't. An Aussie attempt at Hollywood-esque style horror that doesn't work, which was such a shame because the concept wasn't too bad. A bunch of film students set out to finish a cursed horror flick where someone dies every time it is shown. This film goes from bad to worse and is definitely not scary. Kylie makes a cameo in this one, but I bet she'd wished she hadn't either. EXORCIST 2 Many years after the success of the original, poor Linda didn't seem to get any work so she returns to the one thing she knows best… demon possession. Only problem is she doesn't actually get possessed which makes you wonder why they bothered. Instead Linda shows her great talent at killing locusts. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER Thanks to SCREAM Hollywood went horror mad and what followed were some of the worst horror films ever made. Catchy plot lines mixed with a bad script and the latest teen sensation. Jennifer Love Hewitt stars is this film about a bunch of stupid teenagers who hit a man with their car and leave him for dead. Of course, he didn’t really die and one by one they are all hacked by the crazy fisherman until Jennifer kills him again (or did she!). By the end of this film you wish they were all dead.

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER Love is back to show us how well she can sing "I Will Survive" only to find out the fisherman didn't die and now works for a Karaoke company! PLEASE! Don't make I IN ACTUAL FACT STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!!! IT Like a lot of Steven King novels made into films, something gets lost in the transition. Which is always a shame because his ideas are always very good. The clown is freaky but it’s not enough to save this very drawn out horror flick. PSYCHO (the remake) A shot for shot remake of the original film? According to Gus Van Sant, it was simply meant to highlight the greatness of the original using modern actors. Unfortunately, Gus didn't, and has suffered from mimicry ever since, including remaking his own GOOD WILL HUNTING into FINDING FORRESTER. SCREAM 3 After its two predecessors this one really lets em all down. More like a Dawson's Creek Halloween Special than a horror film, I don't know what was worse; Courtney Cox's hair cut or the fact that Randy had "luckily" managed to record himself explaining the rules of a trilogy before he was hacked in the sequel. Oh Wes, how could you! VALENTINE Oh dear! Did anyone actually care if any of these stuck-up silly bitches died? I felt more sorry for the killer. Which makes you wonder what was the point…

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